


Once more, simply, tell me

by chronosaurus (kimnamjin)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3 + 1, 90 percent of this takes place on the dorm sofa, Affection, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Bang Chan is Whipped, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Brief Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Comfort, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Mush, Homesickness, I take no responsibility for any cavities, Inspired by chan saying how lix always tells him “i want you”, Introspection, Late Night Conversations, Love, M/M, Mild emotional hurt/comfort, Non-Linear Narrative, Romantic Fluff, Sappy moments, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Sweet, The iphone notes app as a plot device, Their Love Is So, Tired Bang Chan, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, all the feels, chan calls all the boys his soulmates but he and lix are in love, chan has Many thoughts, did u expect me to Not write a fic after that, hand holding, most of them are about how much he loves felix, the other members are just mentioned, they’re so soft, this is very much a chanlix-centric fic, wild that this is my last upload of the year....see u in 2021!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28346070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimnamjin/pseuds/chronosaurus
Summary: Felix’s eyes shined. He repeated, “I want you, hyung.”Chan full on belly laughed, making Felix grasp his shoulders for purchase. “What do you even mean, though?”Felix rolled his eyes, “I mean Iwantyou, Chan hyung. Just to be with you.” He teased, “I thought even a genius leader like yourself could figurethatout.”“Ouch,” Chan made an overexaggerated wince, scrunched up his forehead for dramatic effect. “You have me there, Lix.”The younger looked at him unreadably. “Do I?” Felix asked, perfect lips pouting.“Huh?”Felix smiled, and absentmindedly massaged Chan’s shoulders. Tiny fingers kneaded at the seams of his black hoodie. “Do I have you, hyung?”Or: 3 times Felix wants Chan, and 1 time Chan wants Felix.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 53
Kudos: 441





	Once more, simply, tell me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by That Moment in Chan’s room ep 84….I’m sure u know the one :~)  
> U cant make this stuff up,,,chanlix will be the death of me I swear 
> 
> Written to: ‘haruka’ by yoasobi

Chan wouldn't necessarily call Felix predictable, but he _does_ have a habit of falling into routines.

__

Like how he has boiled his mornings down to a science; brush teeth, shower, then begin his elaborate skin care regimen once his hair is towel dried. Oil cleanser, foam wash, serum, ampoule, a swipe of a toner pad, and moisturizer to seal the deal.

__

Or how Felix _always_ saves new videos from his favorite youtube channels for the very end of the day, so he has something to be excited about before bedtime.

__

Sometimes Felix creates habits with _people._ Different routines with different members. 

__

Like how he always _says_ he's too busy to watch Hyunjin play another round of Among Us, but, after a few minutes of continuing what he was doing, he peeks over the dining room table with palpable curiosity in his eyes. Then he fully gets up and pads a few steps closer to Hyunjin at the computer desk, but still hangs back a distance. Until he becomes _completely_ engrossed in the game, and plants himself directly behind Hyunjin's chair. Felix combes idle fingers through the dancer's long blonde locks as he weedles out the imposter, back-seat gaming his own advice between rounds. 

__

Or how if Jeongin even so much as _thinks_ about hunger, even in the littlest degree, Felix has the uncanny ability to read those non-verbal cues and deems it time to whip up a snack for their youngest. 

__

Routines. Felix falls into them quickly, and deeply. And sometimes those routines can be...verbiage.

__

With people.

__

With _Chan._

__

They have a day off today, and the boys are relaxing in the dorm as if their lives depend on it. Jisung is watching Pom Poko with Jeongin, the maknae’s bed undoubtedly littered with every snack wrapper and soda bottle imaginable. Minho is working out in Changbin’s room, the rapper loudly cheering him on as he goes for one more rep, one more lift, one more press up. If Chan listens carefully enough, he’d hear the smile on his lips as he whines to Changbin about his sweat getting in his eyes. Hyunjin is reading a novel, while Seungmin listens to music and bobs his head in appreciation of the tunes. 

__

Chan is laying on the sofa, his right extremities unabashedly dangling off the cushions. Chan is staring up at the ceiling, expression soft and distant. As if trying to place himself somewhere else. Like, if he unfocuses his eyes just right, he’ll find what he’s looking for.

__

Inspiration. 

__

Chan usually works on their days off. Granted, though, he works on their schedule days just as vigorously. But...he’s been struck upside the head with a mighty case of writer’s block. Chan doesn’t know what’s worse: not having any track ideas at all, or having terribly flimsy concepts that refuse to progress past a line or two in his notes app. 

__

Chan is splayed across their sectional, right hand brushing against the dust bunnies on the hardwood floor, wishing for _something_ to give him his writing mojo back. 

__

It is at this very moment that his wish comes true.

__

Felix skipped into the living room, his oversized loungewear billowing with each eager step. He immediately found Chan all but hanging off the couch, and his eyes brightened. 

__

“Hyung!” Felix exclaimed. Like he hasn’t seen Chan in months, years. He saw Chan this morning, when they woke up together in Felix’s top bunk. He saw Chan less than two hours ago, when he brewed the leader a steaming cup of lavender honey tea with breakfast. 

__

He’s seeing Chan again right now, and his gaze shimmered as if he’s beholding him, his bare face and sleep-matted curls and the sag of his eyes, for the very first time. 

__

Chan’s own chest warmed significantly, at the sight of the younger. “Hey, Lixie.” He waved the boy over, beckoning him with a pale hand. 

__

Felix didn’t waste a second. He all but jumped onto Chan, unceremoniously flinging himself over the arm of the sofa and landing with a fleshly _plop_ right on the leader’s chest. Chan wheezed, his eyes bugged at the sudden weight, but he acclimated just as fast. He wrapped two strong arms around Felix’s tiny waist, keeping him steady and balanced on Chan’s broad torso. 

__

Felix raised his legs up once situated, socked feet wiggling in excitement. 

__

Felix is always excited, Chan thinks. Always eager about _something;_ online fansigns, watching a Netflix movie with the boys, trying out a tasty recipe he found on the web. Chan isn’t like that, to such a degree. But when Felix is with him, is all but seeping his zest for life into Chan’s pores, his heart begins to pound that much harder, with that much more anticipation.

__

Felix reminds him that there’s more to life than writing a new hit song every day. 

__

Chan forgot about his writer’s block, forgot about lyrics and beats and producing, as he stared into Felix’s impossibly starry eyes. 

__

“What’re you doing, Channie hyung?” Asked Felix, with a little cock of his head. His hair is so shaggy now, so long, it appears as a feathery blonde curtain down the back of his neck. Chan wants nothing more than to bury a hand in the strands, see how many times he can wrap a tuft around a finger. 

__

He smiled, genuinely, for the first time that afternoon. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” 

__

The respite from responsibilities and worries and imminent deadlines was bliss, but they then roared back to life even more savage and vicious than before. _Damnit_. Chan has so many songs he’s supposed to be writing, perfecting, _finishing,_ and he’s started _none_ of them. 

__

Felix is like a smoke screen, like a shield protecting Chan from the venom between his ears, but sometimes the claws in his head tear through the veil. It's times like this that Chan's creative brain feels more like a stomach, an empty, hungry thing slowly digesting him whole.

__

Chan’s grin faltered completely. “And it’s _killing_ me.” 

__

The light in Felix’s eyes dimmed, just slightly. He nodded, and laid his head on Chan’s chest. Felix pillowed a cheek over his heart, and said, “That’s alright, hyung. You just need to let it come to you. Don’t force anything, okay?” 

__

Huh. Chan blinked, as Felix’s advice washed over him. Let it come to him…

__

That sounds just about right, he thinks. When did Felix get so wise? 

__

Maybe it just came to him, in fact. Maybe _it_ is laying flush on his chest, eyes getting heavy as Chan’s heartbeat thrums into his cheek. Maybe it has been before him all along. 

__

Chan unconsciously found the wall clock in the adjoining kitchen; it’s barely after one in the afternoon. Chan’s been up since ten, and he’s done absolutely nothing productive. He's done nothing _at all,_ besides cuddling with Felix on the sofa right now. 

__

And perhaps that’s not so bad, on second thought. But he _does_ have the whole day ahead of him, though…

__

Chan perked up, naturally switching from Korean to English. “Hey, Lix,”

__

Felix raised his head off Chan’s chest. Some creases from Chan’s sleep shirt have pressed lines into the soft skin of his cheek, reddening his freckles. 

__

“Wanna go out, or something? We could go to Hangang, or get some ice cream, or–oh! Isn’t there a new hot dog place you wanted to check out—”

__

Felix smiled, all wide and toothy, and Chan’s suggestions dried up in his throat. Felix nuzzled the tip of his button nose against Chan’s, and mused in his familiar Sydney drawl, “Nah, I’m good.” 

__

Chan was only slightly taken aback. He thought Felix would bite at _one_ of those offers, at least. “O-okay. What...do you want to do, then?” 

__

Felix sighed, and his breath smells like strawberry milk. He gazed knowingly at Chan, as if the answer is there in front of him, right under his nose. 

__

“I want you, hyung.” 

__

Chan’s heart just about skipped a beat. Routines. 

__

Felix has them with the members, with the staff, with the managers, and _of course_ he has one with Chan. 

__

And _that_ is it. 

__

Felix says that to Chan so often, he can’t even count how many there’ve been. Hundreds? _Thousands?_ They’re just three simple words, _I want you,_ but each and every time Chan feels the earth shake under his feet as they leave Felix’s lips. So effortlessly, with such a specific kind of intimacy, in the accented English that reminds Chan so dearly of home. Felix _only_ says it in English, though he knows how to translate it to Korean with ease. Sometimes Chan hears it in his sleep, as he lucid dreams. 

__

Sometimes it doesn’t even make _sense._ Like when Chan asks Felix what he wants for dinner, and his expression becomes ridiculously coquettish. _“I want you,”_ he says, in the face of Chan’s peaking exasperation regarding a dinner consensus. _“I want you,”_ he says, when Chan asks if he would prefer chocolate or banana milk at the music station. 

__

_“I want you,”_ he says, like there’s no other logical response. 

__

Chan forgot it all again, as he smirked at the boy on his chest. Felix is a comforting, perfect weight along his pressure points. Chan playfully bit at his bottom lip, “You want to _do_ me today, hm?” 

__

Felix's cheeks promptly went neon red. “You know that's not what I meant! Get your mind outta the gutter, hyung.” He huffed, suddenly unable to look directly in Chan's eyes. 

__

Chan’s wily expression softened, “I know, I know. But...why do you always say that, Lix?” 

__

Felix chuckled at this, deep and sweet like a sifting of dark chocolate. His voice is _always_ cavernous, he’s _famous_ for that very thing, but sometimes Felix’s tone becomes _that_ much more abyssal. Like right now, when he giggles and his nose crinkles and his teeth glint in the natural light in the living room. Like a wave, Felix’s voice soars and plummets and then evens back out once the swell has subsided.

__

Sometimes Chan hears it in his sleep, as he lucid dreams. 

__

Felix’s eyes shined. He simply repeated, “I want you, hyung.” 

__

As if that alone serves as an answer in itself. 

__

Chan full on belly laughed, making Felix grasp his shoulders for purchase. He tightened his grip on Felix’s waist, felt the heat stored under his cotton lounge shirt, and suddenly thanked the stars above for this particular bout of writer’s block keeping him stuck on the sofa. 

__

“What do you even mean, though?”

__

Felix rolled his eyes, as if Chan said something preposterous. “I mean I _want_ you, Chan hyung. Just to stay here and _be_ with you.” He teased, “I thought even a genius leader like yourself could figure _that_ out.” 

__

“Ouch,” Chan made an overexaggerated wince, scrunched up his forehead for dramatic effect. “You have me there, Lix.”

__

The younger looked at him unreadably. Looked from his curls to his brows, to his wide nose and visibly reddened cheeks. 

__

“Do I?” Felix asked, perfect lips pouting. 

__

Chan raised a brow, “Huh?” 

__

Felix smiled, and absentmindedly massaged Chan’s shoulders. Tiny fingers kneaded at the seams of his black hoodie. “Do I have you, hyung?”

__

Oh. 

__

Chan nodded without a second thought, making his frizzy locks flop about. It’s like a switch was flipped, somewhere above the clouds. He said with confidence, “Of course,” 

__

Chan kissed Felix’s nose. “You always do, Felix.” 

__

Felix hummed, almost a purr against Chan’s chest, as if he’s known that very thing all along. 

__

And Chan then came to a conclusion: he should write a song about Felix. The idea’s been brewing for long enough, but it just struck him that he should _do_ it. Not just _think_ about it, but _act._ He should write a song about the sun in his eyes and the rays on his cheeks, fawn freckles darkened from too much UV. Australian nights, muggy air, birds shrieking joyous songs as the moon rises. A song about love and self discovery, about asymmetrical blonde hair and knobby knees and late nights practicing choreography until their legs give out. 

__

Maybe Chan’s writer’s block isn’t as bad as he thought. All he needed was to _look_ at what is right in front of him; all he needed was to wait for it to _come_ to him, to curl up on his chest. He squeezed at Felix and felt inspiration and fuzzy soft adoration creeping into his fingers, making them itch to type and open production software on his laptop. 

__

Felix got comfy on Chan’s chest once again, fitting his head nice and snug in the dip of his neck, tangling their legs together in an awkward mess of limbs. His eyes slowly drifted shut, even though it’s just after one thirty. 

__

Chan stared at Felix, at how he’s starting to develop some sun spots between the folds of his eyelids and under his brows, and he felt even more inspiration kindle in his gut. Sunshine and moonlight and sand between your toes. A warm wave, protecting you from the cold of night. He can’t tear his eyes away; each line on Felix’s face is like a lyric. 

__

Felix’s breath evened, and Chan carefully retrieved his phone from the floor. He swiped it open, tapped the notes app, and brought up a new page. 

__

He titled it **_‘Felix’s song (first draft)’_ **

__

He sent the younger Aussie a final glance, smiled subconsciously, and focused back on his phone. Seems like it won’t be _that_ unproductive of a day off, all in all. 

__

Chan began to type. With his inspiration now slumbering soundly on his chest. 

_**  
  
**_

💌

_**  
  
**_

Felix is adorable when he’s sleepy, and adorable when he’s hungry.

__

Combine those two? Well, that is a recipe for cuteness in the _extreme._ Though Lee Felix is cuteness personified, as far as Chan is concerned. 

__

Speaking of which,

__

Felix toddled into the living room, all but dragging his feet, and flopped onto the couch with dramatic flourish. A flurry of limbs and fluffy blonde hair, Felix groaned as he crawled into Chan’s lap. He laid his head on the elder’s thighs, his blonde mop puffing up with static electricity kicked up from Chan’s athletic joggers. 

__

They had a grueling dance practice this morning, and Felix, as always, gave every second, every _step_ his all. And of course, once they broke for the day, Felix’s exhaustion teetered on tangible. 

__

Chan cocked a brow at Felix, at how his plush lips are jutting out, how his lids are sagging as he rubs a freckled cheek into the meat of Chan’s thigh. He seems incredibly tired, as if he’ll fall asleep at any given second. “Hi?” Said Chan. 

__

Felix only grumbled louder in response. Chan understood. 

__

“You hungry?”

__

Felix simply nuzzled deeper into Chan’s thighs. 

__

After another minute or two, Chan posed, “What do you want, Lix? Something to eat? To drink?” 

__

The answer seems obvious enough, he thought. Felix is the chef in their household, but he’d be more than happy to try cooking up something relatively gourmet for the boy. Chan just refuses to be held responsible for any kitchen fires that may or may not occur while he’s in charge at the gas range. 

__

Felix wordlessly found Chan’s hand, and laced their fingers together. He muttered in languid English, “I want you. To feel you, hyung.” 

__

He gripped a bit harder at Chan's hand in the wake of it. 

__

That’s not necessarily the order Chan expected. Though it is one he is equally as happy to fulfill. 

__

Felix shifted from his side to his back, reached his other hand up to Chan’s neck and placed the pads of two fingers to his pulse point. He concentrated, feeling each beat flow into his fingertips. Felix retracted his hand once satisfied, and soon added, “Actually, some hot chocolate would also be nice.”

__

_Ah,_ there we go. That’s more like it. 

__

Chan couldn't help but giggle, as his chest swelled with such powerful, concentrated love, he wouldn’t be surprised if it started to bead on his skin. “I think I can handle that. One Channie and one hot cocoa, then?”

__

Felix smiled all lazy and crooked, and nodded in agreement. He sounds inordinately exhausted, and slurred, “Do we have any more of those peppermint marshmallows? The pink ones?” 

__

Before he answered, Chan took it upon himself to scoop Felix into his arms, holding him securely to his hip. Felix is dead weight, arms now slung around his neck and head lolling into his shoulder, but Chan didn’t even break a sweat. He pumps iron so religiously for this exact reason. 

__

He padded into the kitchen, and fumbled to open the cabinet with one hand. “Yup,” Chan mused, as he found the bag of mint marshmallows in the cupboard. “Got ‘em right here.” 

__

Felix cheered, but he sounds so small, so wispy with his mouth muffled against Chan’s sweatshirt. “Then can we nap?”

__

He smiled down at Felix, snuggled so cozily in the crook of his arm. His eyes have officially fluttered closed, his lips soft and parted as his breathing slows. “Sure. Then we can nap.” 

__

Chan flicked on the burner, kicked the fridge closed after retrieving the milk, and poured a healthy portion into a pot as the blue flames lick at the cookware. Chan spooned in milk chocolate powder, stirred with one hand, adjusted Felix with his other. 

__

He found Felix’s favorite mug with ease after a few moments of simmering, doled him the serving of chocolatey goodness, and sprinkled more marshmallows than any one person could stomach. They quickly began to melt together, creating an island of pastel pink floating on the cocoa. It was like clockwork, each of Chan's movements. 

__

He's done this before, granted. He's made Felix hot chocolate so many times, in fact, that he could probably brew it to perfection with his eyes closed. He's boiled it down to a science, even. 

__

Chan blew the steam from the mug, until he deemed it the ideal temperature for Felix. Something dawned on him, as the sugary fog dissipated above the porcelain.

__

Maybe Chan has routines of his own. Ones that he didn’t even realize, like adding the perfect ratio of marshmallows to cocoa in Felix's favorite mug. Like blowing the wafting steam once, twice, three times, until it has cooled to Felix's liking. 

__

Routines he didn't even consciously acknowledge until just this very second. 

__

Ones that keep him going, all the same. 

_**  
  
**_

💌

_**  
  
**_

“Hey Felix, can you come here for a sec?” 

__

“Sure, hyungie.” Felix clicked his phone off, and stuffed it in his pocket before trotting over. 

He plopped onto the sofa with Chan, crossing his legs as he got comfy. He’s wearing another oversized tee, hanging off his shoulders and exposing the delicate pools of shadow in his collar bones. 

__

Christmas is officially in full swing in the dorm; their little tree is decked to the nines, shimmering and shining with tinsel and ornaments. Hyunjin is blasting holiday songs on an exclusive loop, so loudly that the cheery tunes can be heard no matter where you are in the flat. Seungmin has broken out his pair of red and green pajamas, and Changbin switched the soap in their bathroom with a gingerbread scented number. 

__

It’s Chan’s favorite time of the year….spoiling his boys absolutely rotten, once the calendar hits December. Though it could be heavily argued that Chan spoils them _regardless_ of the calendar month—just check their monthly AirPods expenditure—he makes a point to get them _exactly_ what they want once the holiday season rolls around. 

__

Chan flicked to a brand new note in his app, once the other is at his side. “You know Christmas is coming up, Lix,” He extended his device to Felix, who took it in hand without hesitation. 

__

It’s freezing in Seoul this time of year, positively frigid, but Chan can’t be anything other than toasty warm in his thin pjs. He’s grinning as he gazes at Felix, despite the domesticity, the normality of his view. He’s blushing, despite the winter draft in the dorm. Chan waggled his brows, shimmied his broad shoulders as he sang, “So just list whatever your little heart desires here, and I’ll see what I can do.” 

__

He’s already gotten the other boys’ wishlists completed, leaving only Felix’s remaining. Jisung wants a new pair of garish, glittery converse. Minho wants a new bundle of cat toys, shipped straight to his family home. Changbin wants a new Bluetooth speaker, Jeongin another set of AirPod pros, since he lost his tenth pair last week (and this does not surprise Chan in the least). Hyunjin asked for a trip to a dessert shop he’s been eyeing recently, with the promise of Chan covering the tab. Seungmin listed some freshly released video games for his Switch.

__

Chan could’ve guessed what the other boys wanted for gifts, if he was given enough time to think, but Felix? Felix is a _wildcard._ He thought he heard Felix talking animatedly about wanting a mohair colorblock sweater and a fancy spatula his favorite cooking channel uses, but Chan would be remiss not to explicitly ask him.

__

Felix happily bobbed his head, and got to typing. Chan expected him to write in the note for a minute or two, at _least._ To jot down...well...a _list._ But, much to his immense surprise, Felix only typed a few _letters,_ nodded in approval, and offered it to Chan again.

__

Chan pinched his brows in confusion, and eagerly took back his phone to inspect Felix’s gift list. Maybe he just wants one...thing? One very _simple_ thing?

__

And he is right. Technically. 

__

Just...not in the way he _ever_ imagined.

__

**Felix’s Christmas list:**

__

  * **You**



__

That’s it. In English, just like always. 

__

_That’s_ his wishlist. 

__

“U-uh,” Chan coughed, as he read the single word back and felt his cheeks rise severely in temperature. His ears burned all the way to the tips. He thought for sure his metal hoops would liquify, under such heat. 

__

“What…?” He whimpered, as if his eyes are playing tricks on him. Chan hears the _thump thump_ from Hyunjin’s Christmas playlist down the hall, which sounds suspiciously like the _thump thump_ of his heart pounding away. His widened gaze snapped up to find Felix again, and the other is staring at him fondly and heavy-lidded. 

__

Felix sighed, mock-exasperated, and leaned in close to peck Chan’s flushed cheek. His pink lips pressed briefly against Chan’s pink skin. “Just you is enough, hyung. That’s all I want.”

__

Chan swallowed, chest suddenly fluttering. When did it get so hot in here? Did Hyunjin ratchet up the heat after ratcheting up the volume on his holiday playlist? 

__

It's love, Chan knows it is. Sometimes he wants to pinch himself when he thinks it's all too good to be true, that he can be adored so wholly by someone like Felix. That he has the privilege to love and be loved by him. 

__

Chan’s heart thundered, a Big Bang in his chest, and he found that one word typed in the note again.

__

You. 

__

_You._

__

Him. 

__

Felix says it so usually, so causally, it almost stopped affecting Chan. It just became a _part_ of them, their relationship, their everyday banter. But then it was _new,_ the feeling, the excitement, the swarm of giddy butterflies in his tummy. 

__

He wants him? 

__

Chan thinks he can make that happen. Definitely. 

__

“Sure, Lix.” Chan whispered as he placed a hand over Felix’s, skipped the pad of a finger from knuckle to knuckle. 

__

Felix’s features eased as he played with Chan’s hand, his silver bracelet, poked at the prominent veins snaking down his wrist. Winter in Seoul can be brutal as the temperature dips below freezing, Christmas in Seoul can be brutal away from his family, but Felix soothes every ache in Chan’s heart. It used to taunt him, how the coldness of Seoul in December is so different from the summer heat in Australia, but Felix makes it all _better._ He’s like a salve, a balm closing his wounds of homesickness every year. 

__

He’s like medicine, like a spoonful of honey. 

__

Chan gulped him down, as he grasped at those tiny fingers. His heart flew, sugar rushed through his blood and made his skin prickle. There’s nowhere else he’d rather be this time of year, no one else he’d rather be _with._

__

“You got me.” 

_**  
  
**_

💌

  
  


It's approaching four in the morning, and Chan is on the brink.

__

Of screaming? Crying? Burning all his producing software? Maybe a combination of all three, maybe none of the above. 

__

He's been in a composing dead end for the last few hours, making zero headway with this particular track for their next comeback. He shut his computer and fled to the kitchen for a change in scenery, once squinting at the same unchanging screen made his chest sear. He _tried_ to go to bed before that, but Chan saw familiar keyboard buttons each time he closed his eyes. 

__

He's slept a combined six hours this week, if that, and Chan had to stare at his hands for a good few minutes just to remind himself that it is _his_ body. That's he's in there somewhere, exhausted and burnt out and wondering if he's doing this whole thing right. He's fighting an internal battle between crawling into bed again or exercising his worries away in the gym, and neither side is winning.

__

Chan propped his hips against the kitchen counter, and listened in on the nothingness in the dorm. He can’t hear a peep—it's as if he's suddenly the last human on earth. Chan _hates_ when the silence of the night trips past the point of tranquil and verges on post-apocalyptic. 

__

Tick tock went the kitchen clock, the drone sounding suspiciously like a musical beat in Chan's ears. 

__

And then he heard it; a door opening, shutting. A knob clicking back into place and soft, socked footsteps headed his way. The dull clamor of hinges squeaking never sounded so dulcet, Chan thought. 

__

Felix froze, stopped dead in his tracks, at the sight of Chan idling by the counter. The kitchen is so dark, barely lit by moonlight through the living room windows, but the glimmer readily reflected off Felix’s eyes, creating a pair of guiding flames in the murk. 

__

“Hyung?” He asked, whispering in the quiet still of night.

__

Chan couldn't force a smile. “Hey, Lix. Why’re you up?” 

__

Felix tiptoed closer, his brows pinching as he closed in on Chan and got a better look at the sickly purple beneath his sunken eyes. “I just came to get a glass of water. But, Chan hyung, why are _you_ here?” 

__

Chan sighed, shrugged. He's the kind of tired that makes his bones feel jangly. “Can’t sleep. Can’t produce. I needed to just... _be_ somewhere I’m not reminded of either.” 

__

Chan didn't want to stare longingly at his bed, or stare longingly at his laptop.

__

He’s more than happy to stare longingly at Felix, though.

__

Felix nodded, and chomped down on his bottom lip as he crept over to his side. Moonlight kissed his freckled cheeks as Felix rounded Chan. He leaned the small of his back to the counter, just like the leader, and laced their hands together when their fingers brushed. “I understand, hyung. You aren't being too tough on yourself, are you?”

__

Chan stayed tellingly silent. He doesn't want to verbally lie to him. Felix got the unspoken implications, however, and his eyes darkened. 

__

But then Felix squeezed his hand, and it woke Chan from his waking trance. He asked, seemingly out of nowhere, “Do you want anything right now, hyung?”

__

Chan thought about it. 

__

Of course there's things he wants; to sleep, to dream, to get out of this musical rut. Some Tim Tams, maybe. A cup of ice water, to wash them down.

__

But...there's something he wants more. The realization struck at his heart, made it plink from rib to rib.

__

“Y-yeah,” Chan breathed, and the word was shaking.

__

He turned to Felix, and promptly pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. He molded their bodies together, until he couldn't tell Felix's heartbeat from his own. He grasped at the back of Felix's sleep shirt, fisting the loose fabric as he breathed the younger in. He smelled the herbal kick of his new serum on his skin, the cotton freshness of his clothing spray, the sharp eucalyptus of his shampoo. He smelled Felix, and it calmed him. It brought him someplace kinder. 

__

Chan switched to English, and whispered, “I want you, Felix.” 

__

Felix shuddered in Chan’s embrace, and latched his arms tight around his broad, muscular waist. He kissed the side of Chan's neck, right over his pulse point. Felix’s voice is so low, so smooth, “Okay, hyung. You have me. But come to bed, please? It's so late.” 

__

Felix dug his nails into Chan’s flesh, as if physically trying to smother his stress. He added, “We can go to my bed. You don't have to think about sleep or producing or _whatever_. Just think about me, and how much I love you. Can you do that?” 

__

Chan breathed evenly, slowing the speed of his heart. He thought about it as told, thought about _him,_ and it immediately took effect. 

__

“I can do that,” Chan murmured, feeling his worries gradually melting from his head. If Chan's thoughts are a hurricane, Felix is the eye of that raging storm. 

__

“I love you.” Said Chan, still in English, and he was honestly taken aback by the strength of his Sydney lilt. Maybe he's not that far from home, after all.

__

It's always been a tug of war for him, the concept of _home._ It's always been a loaded subject, one Chan dares not dwell on too long, lest his mind devolve into something strange and unreadable. Sydney is home, of course. Being where Chan grew up, it gifted him his family and his accent and his friends from primary school. 

__

But Seoul is his home just as much; Seoul is where he traveled to pursue his dream, to work and work and _work_ climbing each rung until he finally debuted. He thought he wasn't, for a time there. He thought he would just fade away, be left behind. Something that once was, but never made it to the finish line.

__

Until then he met _them._ Seoul is his home, because it's where he met his boys. His seven beautiful soulmates, the people he's meant to spend his life with while living their collective dream.

__

Felix might be from Sydney as well, but Chan met him in _Seoul._

__

He’s always considered them an octet of fated soulmates, but something about Felix is...different. He wouldn't say their bond is of a higher caliber than with the other boys, but there is a bone-deep intensity to it, the likes of which Chan has never experienced before. 

__

He never expected to fall for his bandmate, but, as a trainee, he never expected _Felix._ It was hard to comprehend at first, how they _found_ each other; from the same home city, to the same overseas company, to debuting together. To falling in love. These things don’t just _happen,_ let alone with such serendipity, let alone in a business such as theirs. He’s seen enough trainees come and go to realize how incredibly, mind-blowingly lucky he is that Felix stuck through the process and made it to the otherside with him. 

__

Chan's a well known fan of the stars, and one of the reasons he's so enamoured with the universe is because he's _sure_ he and Felix meeting was written in it. 

__

And Chan eventually realized the adage is true—that home is where the heart is. Felix is his heart. Stray kids are his heart. Seven wonderful, chaotic hearts that keep Chan moving and smiling day in and day out, even if life gets ugly. But Felix? He's like Chan's life preserver, when the seas get choppy. When the water rises, laps at his throat, Chan finds Felix and holds onto him like he's salvation personified. 

__

In a way, Chan supposes he is. 

__

They are in love, and that is simply a fact of life. Like how the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, Felix and Chan are in love. He thought about it again, and it successfully snuffed out his flames of doubt. 

__

Chan then blinked, and found it a struggle to crack his lids open again. 

__

It's late, almost four in the morning, and he feels telltale fatigue nipping at him. 

__

It's almost four in the morning, and Chan is home. And, no, he doesn't mean the _in the_ _dorm_ brand of home. Backstage, the practice room, in the company van as they zoom to the next schedule, he's _at home_ if he's with Felix and the boys. 

__

Felix kissed down Chan's jaw, his neck, his shoulder. His lips are so soft, so plush, despite the stale air in the dorm. 

__

And Felix did not hesitate. In beautifully accented English, he replied, “I love you too, Chan hyung.”

__

His voice is always deep, always low, but right then Chan could've sworn his vocal tone verged on tectonic. Almost otherworldly. He got goosebumps, and he knew it wasn't from the cold front just outside their windows. 

__

Felix pulled on their interconnected hands, and Chan put up no fight. Felix dragged him down the hall, toed their door open, guided Chan up the stepladder to his top bunk. He wobbled a bit, and Felix tightened his grip on his hand to keep him steady.

__

It happened so fast, the change from standing locked-kneed to laying on the cushy foam of Felix's bed, it almost made Chan dizzy from relief. 

__

Felix covered them to their chins, and burrowed right into Chan's side as soon as they're properly adjusted. “Sleep well, Chan hyung.” He whispered. 

__

Chan has a feeling he just might. 

__

Felix is a notorious snuggle bug, ready and eager to cuddle just about anything that _moves,_ but he seems especially zealous to engulf Chan in his arms tonight. He pulled Chan close, so close his gentle breaths quickly became Chan's white noise relaxation and lulled him towards slumber. 

__

Chan fell, both asleep and even deeper in love, as Felix kept him warm beneath the blanket.

__

He didn't think about producing, or lyrics, or deadlines. He thought about him before his consciousness quieted, about their love, and it sent Chan over the edge; into his dreams. 

__

Chan wants Felix, as he sleeps. He'll want him tomorrow, when they wake in each other's arms. He'll want him again, as they go to bed the next night. 

__

Felix will want Chan, when he's sleepy or lonely or bored. He will want Chan when he needs his heart comforted. He will want Chan every single day of their lives. 

__

They'll always want, want, want. Each other, their warmth, their hearts. Their smiles and their laughs and their Sydney accents when they miss their old home down under. 

__

It's a routine, their wanting. 

__

It's predictable.

**Author's Note:**

> *rips off my shirt to reveal an ‘I <3 chanlix’ shirt underneath* hi...I love chanlix 
> 
> I tried rlly hard with this, but I’m sorry it’s so sub par :( ive been in a writing funk lately ;; I hope u enjoyed regardless though!! Pls do leave a kudo if u did, it really means so much :’) and seeeee u guys next year!! Have a safe and happy new year <333


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